Anne TootillTo Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Three
March 9th 2007 21:15
I was accepted into the Physical Therapist Assistant program at the community college. More importantly, the kids got into the daycare program. There had been a wait list but the head of the Physical Therapy department had some pull and was on my side. Which may have had something to do with her also having had a son Alex’s age and another son a year older than Josh. And both of her children were in the daycare center. She couldn’t say enough good things about the center. I got a good feeling about her, I believed what she was saying.
I was nervous and psyched about going back to school. Nervous because it had been a decade since I’d graduated from college. My worrying went something like this…after all this time would I still be able to memorize and study for tests? Having limited most of my speech to one syllable words for so long now, would I be able to access enough words to write papers if I couldn’t draw pictures to fill up the pages? My attention span not being what it used to be, could I sit in class and absorb all or at least enough of the information to pass the courses? How old would I feel in a class of newly minted high school graduates? Would I fit in or stick out? Would my feelings of loneliness and isolation get worse or better? And finally, the head of the program had outlined the coursework. It was pretty intense. Especially, for a frazzled, depressed mother of two. Could I handle all that work and take care of two little kids and cook and clean and shop and pay the bills, etc., etc., etc.? So much worry.
And then there was the guilt. About putting the kids in a daycare center. They were so young. So many germs, such little bodies. And what about their emotional health? Would they think I didn’t love them if I left them there every day? Of course Josh never seemed to care if I was around or not. It’s like we never bonded. He would go to anyone that gave him attention. Strangers or relatives, it was all the same to him. He never seemed to have gone through that attached phase where he only wanted mommy or feared strangers. I have to admit it made feel a little bit sad. Especially, when I watched other kids his age being so mommycentric. There was that guilt that I’d screwed up his bonding mechanism when I was stuck in bed incubating Alex and I could no longer be his primary caregiver. I know, I know what could I have done? It wasn’t as if I had wanted to be sick and confined to bed. And his babysitter was an openly loving woman (being home and in bed all the time allowed me a front row seat to her nurturing). And his grandparents showered him with love and attention. And in my own limited capacity I had too. But still there was guilt. On the upside, Josh was a very sociable child. Even though he didn’t actually play with the other kids, he always wanted to play near them. I had a feeling he was going to love going to the daycare center on campus.
Alex, on the other hand, was another story. She was exactly what I thought a toddler her age should be…attached to my skirt hem. She only wanted her mommy and when a stranger even a nonmommy relative came near she would hold on to me that much tighter. I definitely foresaw some separation anxiety in her (and my) future.
But the truth was, worries aside I was really more excited. For the first time in nearly four years (if you count being stuck in bed when I was pregnant with Josh) I was going to be away from both of my kids for more than a couple of hours. Every day (well at least five days a week). Consistently, that was. Of course after Alex was born my husband and I had a couple of weekends away without the kids, and he had let me go out by myself for a couple of hours at a time, some of the time, but this was going to be every day during the week and this time he couldn’t give me the guilts. After all he was at work, it wasn’t as if we could be together anyway.
And last but not least, the day care center was an amazing operation. I met the program director and assistant director ahead of time and fell in love with their attitude and kindness. The program was broken up into age groups, each of which had its own play area and its own facilities (ie., infant section had a changing area and sleeping room, threes and fours had more spacious play spaces and more complex toys) and there was a large outdoor play area with a lot of equipment.
Heavy and happy sigh…times were achanging. And for the moment my black cloud had lifted.
I was nervous and psyched about going back to school. Nervous because it had been a decade since I’d graduated from college. My worrying went something like this…after all this time would I still be able to memorize and study for tests? Having limited most of my speech to one syllable words for so long now, would I be able to access enough words to write papers if I couldn’t draw pictures to fill up the pages? My attention span not being what it used to be, could I sit in class and absorb all or at least enough of the information to pass the courses? How old would I feel in a class of newly minted high school graduates? Would I fit in or stick out? Would my feelings of loneliness and isolation get worse or better? And finally, the head of the program had outlined the coursework. It was pretty intense. Especially, for a frazzled, depressed mother of two. Could I handle all that work and take care of two little kids and cook and clean and shop and pay the bills, etc., etc., etc.? So much worry.
And then there was the guilt. About putting the kids in a daycare center. They were so young. So many germs, such little bodies. And what about their emotional health? Would they think I didn’t love them if I left them there every day? Of course Josh never seemed to care if I was around or not. It’s like we never bonded. He would go to anyone that gave him attention. Strangers or relatives, it was all the same to him. He never seemed to have gone through that attached phase where he only wanted mommy or feared strangers. I have to admit it made feel a little bit sad. Especially, when I watched other kids his age being so mommycentric. There was that guilt that I’d screwed up his bonding mechanism when I was stuck in bed incubating Alex and I could no longer be his primary caregiver. I know, I know what could I have done? It wasn’t as if I had wanted to be sick and confined to bed. And his babysitter was an openly loving woman (being home and in bed all the time allowed me a front row seat to her nurturing). And his grandparents showered him with love and attention. And in my own limited capacity I had too. But still there was guilt. On the upside, Josh was a very sociable child. Even though he didn’t actually play with the other kids, he always wanted to play near them. I had a feeling he was going to love going to the daycare center on campus.
Alex, on the other hand, was another story. She was exactly what I thought a toddler her age should be…attached to my skirt hem. She only wanted her mommy and when a stranger even a nonmommy relative came near she would hold on to me that much tighter. I definitely foresaw some separation anxiety in her (and my) future.
But the truth was, worries aside I was really more excited. For the first time in nearly four years (if you count being stuck in bed when I was pregnant with Josh) I was going to be away from both of my kids for more than a couple of hours. Every day (well at least five days a week). Consistently, that was. Of course after Alex was born my husband and I had a couple of weekends away without the kids, and he had let me go out by myself for a couple of hours at a time, some of the time, but this was going to be every day during the week and this time he couldn’t give me the guilts. After all he was at work, it wasn’t as if we could be together anyway.
And last but not least, the day care center was an amazing operation. I met the program director and assistant director ahead of time and fell in love with their attitude and kindness. The program was broken up into age groups, each of which had its own play area and its own facilities (ie., infant section had a changing area and sleeping room, threes and fours had more spacious play spaces and more complex toys) and there was a large outdoor play area with a lot of equipment.
Heavy and happy sigh…times were achanging. And for the moment my black cloud had lifted.
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