WhitneyTo Be or Not To Be a Mother -Part Three
February 21st 2007 16:20
We were back home and trying something new. My husband was still gone from early morning to 7:30 P.M. and half a day Saturday. But when he came home that Friday night I was allowed to go out by myself for a short while. He came home, we ate a quick dinner and then I went out all alone.
I left the house and for once in more than a year I didn’t have to pack a bag of diapers, change of clothes, snacks and toys. I didn’t have to change and dress two helpless little teeny tiny people so that I could leave the house and walk outside. So I could have some contact with the rest of the world.
I can’t explain how wonderful it felt to just put on a sweater and leave. Just like that I walked out the door and didn’t have to worry about holding anyone’s hand or carrying anyone or anything, except my pocketbook. You know what it felt like? It felt like I was running naked through a meadow. Well, if I had Jessica Alba’s body and no one was looking.
I felt so happy. And it wasn’t as if I was meeting anyone or I’d had anything special planned. I knew I didn’t have that much time and besides it felt really, really good to be by myself. And I didn’t want to have to waste any of my time having to do what someone else wanted me to. Sure I knew that a real friendship was all about compromise but that night it was going to be all about me and what I wanted to do.
So I went to this local strip shopping mall. You could easily walk end to end in fifteen minutes, twelve if your legs were of normal length (FYI my older sis was fond of calling me stubby because of my short legs. In all fairness I was no saint. In retaliation I would tell her to keep the Clearasil away from her breasts or they’d disappear…get it, they were as small as pimples and since Clearasil is de-pimple medication…) but for me this could have been the Mall of America (largest mall in the U.S.) I was so excited to be there…alone.
Normally, I was a no nonsense sort of shopping gal but that night I took my time wandering from store to store and checking out anything that caught my eye. I stayed at that shopping center until the last store locked its door and only then did I do what I knew I had to do. I went home.
I walked in that door smiling for what felt like the first time in more than a year. And it wasn’t a phony smile, like the ones I had plastered on my face all the time because I knew that’s what everyone expected of me. Nope, this time I really felt happy. I walked through that door and I didn’t hear one kid screaming or crying or demanding that I do this or watch that or, or, or…it was amazing.
I walked in that door and my husband came to meet me. I was happy but he wasn’t. He asked me where I’d been. I was confused. He knew where I was going. I’d told him before I’d left. But that wasn’t what he’d meant. Yes he knew where I’d gone but why had I come back so late. I told him that I’d stayed until the stores closed and then I came right home. He was angry that I’d stayed out so long. But I’d only been gone for 2 hours, I’d reasoned, my happiness turning to guilt and fear. But he’d missed me he said, his supposedly loving words delivered in an accusatory tone. So I did what I knew I had to do. I apologized. The happy moment was gone. I was home.
I left the house and for once in more than a year I didn’t have to pack a bag of diapers, change of clothes, snacks and toys. I didn’t have to change and dress two helpless little teeny tiny people so that I could leave the house and walk outside. So I could have some contact with the rest of the world.
I can’t explain how wonderful it felt to just put on a sweater and leave. Just like that I walked out the door and didn’t have to worry about holding anyone’s hand or carrying anyone or anything, except my pocketbook. You know what it felt like? It felt like I was running naked through a meadow. Well, if I had Jessica Alba’s body and no one was looking.
I felt so happy. And it wasn’t as if I was meeting anyone or I’d had anything special planned. I knew I didn’t have that much time and besides it felt really, really good to be by myself. And I didn’t want to have to waste any of my time having to do what someone else wanted me to. Sure I knew that a real friendship was all about compromise but that night it was going to be all about me and what I wanted to do.
So I went to this local strip shopping mall. You could easily walk end to end in fifteen minutes, twelve if your legs were of normal length (FYI my older sis was fond of calling me stubby because of my short legs. In all fairness I was no saint. In retaliation I would tell her to keep the Clearasil away from her breasts or they’d disappear…get it, they were as small as pimples and since Clearasil is de-pimple medication…) but for me this could have been the Mall of America (largest mall in the U.S.) I was so excited to be there…alone.
Normally, I was a no nonsense sort of shopping gal but that night I took my time wandering from store to store and checking out anything that caught my eye. I stayed at that shopping center until the last store locked its door and only then did I do what I knew I had to do. I went home.
I walked in that door smiling for what felt like the first time in more than a year. And it wasn’t a phony smile, like the ones I had plastered on my face all the time because I knew that’s what everyone expected of me. Nope, this time I really felt happy. I walked through that door and I didn’t hear one kid screaming or crying or demanding that I do this or watch that or, or, or…it was amazing.
I walked in that door and my husband came to meet me. I was happy but he wasn’t. He asked me where I’d been. I was confused. He knew where I was going. I’d told him before I’d left. But that wasn’t what he’d meant. Yes he knew where I’d gone but why had I come back so late. I told him that I’d stayed until the stores closed and then I came right home. He was angry that I’d stayed out so long. But I’d only been gone for 2 hours, I’d reasoned, my happiness turning to guilt and fear. But he’d missed me he said, his supposedly loving words delivered in an accusatory tone. So I did what I knew I had to do. I apologized. The happy moment was gone. I was home.
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