Anne TootillTo Be or Not To Be a Mother- Part Three
February 14th 2007 21:40
We somehow managed to get everyone and everything to the hotel. We were staying at the same hotel as my in-laws and my husband’s sister and her husband. We checked in and dumped all our stuff (and there was plenty of it) off in the room and then we went to find the family to tell them we’d arrived.
We found my mother-in-law and sister-in-law lounging at the pool and polishing their nails. Do you know how that made me feel? In the past twenty-four hours I’d had to sterilize my house from top to bottom because of the lice (which thankfully appeared to have died –we can only hope those evil suckers came to a painful and tortured end) ), bagged all my bedding, packed everyone for the trip, packed and carried my tulle-filled three-quarter length bridesmaid dress, brought along two kids, baby bags, toys, snacks, a travel bed in case we needed one and then I’d had to spend almost two hours in the airport and nearly six hours couped up on an airplane trying to amuse my toddlers. How did I feel? Jealous and bitter.
Frankly, I was a wreck and a rag and there they were sunning themselves as carefree as could be. And my poor over-burdened mother-in-law who simply was too overburdened to lend a hand when I asked if she could possibly help me out by taking my bridesmaid dress for me? She looked radiant and rested. Something I clearly, was not. I felt sick as I looked at the two of them relaxing and laughing. But it is what it is.
That night I went to bed feeling lonely, depressed and tired. Very, very tired. I kept thinking that I should just give up. But then who would take care of my kids? I lay in bed, next to my husband and felt completely alone. Once upon a time I’d thought I’d had choices, but suddenly not one was my own. Every move I made was because someone else wanted me to or needed me to. Nothing, absolutely nothing was what I wanted anymore.
Honestly, I wished I were dead. But I had to stay so I did what I’d learned to do so I could get by. I lay there in the dark and pretended. I pretended that while I was in California I was “discovered”. That a powerful producer/agent/studio head saw me and knew I was “the one” they’d been waiting for. They had to sign me. Of course I couldn’t think of one talent I possessed that they would want (depressed mother of two?) but hey this was the “World According To Donna” and in this alternate universe I could do anything I wanted.
We found my mother-in-law and sister-in-law lounging at the pool and polishing their nails. Do you know how that made me feel? In the past twenty-four hours I’d had to sterilize my house from top to bottom because of the lice (which thankfully appeared to have died –we can only hope those evil suckers came to a painful and tortured end) ), bagged all my bedding, packed everyone for the trip, packed and carried my tulle-filled three-quarter length bridesmaid dress, brought along two kids, baby bags, toys, snacks, a travel bed in case we needed one and then I’d had to spend almost two hours in the airport and nearly six hours couped up on an airplane trying to amuse my toddlers. How did I feel? Jealous and bitter.
Frankly, I was a wreck and a rag and there they were sunning themselves as carefree as could be. And my poor over-burdened mother-in-law who simply was too overburdened to lend a hand when I asked if she could possibly help me out by taking my bridesmaid dress for me? She looked radiant and rested. Something I clearly, was not. I felt sick as I looked at the two of them relaxing and laughing. But it is what it is.
That night I went to bed feeling lonely, depressed and tired. Very, very tired. I kept thinking that I should just give up. But then who would take care of my kids? I lay in bed, next to my husband and felt completely alone. Once upon a time I’d thought I’d had choices, but suddenly not one was my own. Every move I made was because someone else wanted me to or needed me to. Nothing, absolutely nothing was what I wanted anymore.
Honestly, I wished I were dead. But I had to stay so I did what I’d learned to do so I could get by. I lay there in the dark and pretended. I pretended that while I was in California I was “discovered”. That a powerful producer/agent/studio head saw me and knew I was “the one” they’d been waiting for. They had to sign me. Of course I couldn’t think of one talent I possessed that they would want (depressed mother of two?) but hey this was the “World According To Donna” and in this alternate universe I could do anything I wanted.
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