WhitneyTo Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Three
January 25th 2007 21:13
]Josh was 2 and Alex was 5 months. Josh was a toddler and while I knew that toddler’s were known for being active and needing attention I was beginning to think that something might be wrong. You see, even though I had been taking him everywhere I could to see that he got to play with other kids his age. And even though he loved to “play” with other kids. He didn’t seem like all the other kids his age. I wasn’t sure why I thought this. Maybe it was that he never looked at you when you talked. Maybe it was because he seemed much more active and he needed much more attention than all the others. Or maybe it was because no matter how I tried to help him make nice, he always had trouble with other kids.
Not the major, knock down, drag out kind of trouble. But when he was playing with something, he played for hours with that thing. And no one else could play with it. It was as if was in his own world, never noticing anything or anyone around him. And if he needed another block or another Lego to complete his complex task (and the things he built were definitely more advanced than the others) he’d grab it from another child, never noticing their reaction. It was as if they didn’t exist. I know it sounds like a case of bad sharing and the doctor did tell me not to worry, that he just appeared to be a bit more hyper and more focused than most, but I could feel that something wasn’t right.
I did try talking to my husband about it, but he just got angry and told me that there was nothing wrong with “his” son. I felt like I was somehow insulting him and his son. Which was not at all what I was thinking. I have to admit that a part of me did think that something had to be wrong, what else could be the reason I was so much sadder and struggled so much more than all the other mothers I had ever known? And if something was wrong, then maybe we could correct it and then Josh would be happier and so would his mommy. But my husband wouldn’t even consider it and the doctor had nixed the idea and when I brought it up to my mother and mother-in-law they both made it very clear that Josh was just a normal toddler and that I just had to set more rules and get tougher with the discipline and if I did that, everything would be Brady Bunch perfect. So if everyone else thought I was wrong, then I supposed I must have been wrong.
But funny thing was I’d already been doing what they told me to do. At that point my whole life had become one big rule. None of which seemed to make any difference. Here’s how it went. I’d try speaking nicely but firmly. Josh didn’t seem to notice. I’d raise my voice. Still no reaction. At this point I’m all riled up, the veins are starting to pop in my temples and I’m yelling. Josh…not a flinch. It’s as if I wasn’t even there. Meanwhile the other kids were jumping behind tables and couches as if the seven horsemen of the Apocalypse had announced that judgment day had arrived and toddlers were the first to go. “Whisper”, was my mother’s sage advice. “He’ll notice that,” my mother, the retired elementary teacher assured me. Yeah right, what planet was she from? Apparently, one that suffered from widespread infertility. I
And when all else failed I picked him up and moved him. But unlike the other kids who would run back kicking and screaming. Josh just calmly but purposefully went back to his task as if nothing had interrupted him in the first place. And I could do this over and over and over and over…again. It really was as if I didn’t exist.
Not the major, knock down, drag out kind of trouble. But when he was playing with something, he played for hours with that thing. And no one else could play with it. It was as if was in his own world, never noticing anything or anyone around him. And if he needed another block or another Lego to complete his complex task (and the things he built were definitely more advanced than the others) he’d grab it from another child, never noticing their reaction. It was as if they didn’t exist. I know it sounds like a case of bad sharing and the doctor did tell me not to worry, that he just appeared to be a bit more hyper and more focused than most, but I could feel that something wasn’t right.
I did try talking to my husband about it, but he just got angry and told me that there was nothing wrong with “his” son. I felt like I was somehow insulting him and his son. Which was not at all what I was thinking. I have to admit that a part of me did think that something had to be wrong, what else could be the reason I was so much sadder and struggled so much more than all the other mothers I had ever known? And if something was wrong, then maybe we could correct it and then Josh would be happier and so would his mommy. But my husband wouldn’t even consider it and the doctor had nixed the idea and when I brought it up to my mother and mother-in-law they both made it very clear that Josh was just a normal toddler and that I just had to set more rules and get tougher with the discipline and if I did that, everything would be Brady Bunch perfect. So if everyone else thought I was wrong, then I supposed I must have been wrong.
But funny thing was I’d already been doing what they told me to do. At that point my whole life had become one big rule. None of which seemed to make any difference. Here’s how it went. I’d try speaking nicely but firmly. Josh didn’t seem to notice. I’d raise my voice. Still no reaction. At this point I’m all riled up, the veins are starting to pop in my temples and I’m yelling. Josh…not a flinch. It’s as if I wasn’t even there. Meanwhile the other kids were jumping behind tables and couches as if the seven horsemen of the Apocalypse had announced that judgment day had arrived and toddlers were the first to go. “Whisper”, was my mother’s sage advice. “He’ll notice that,” my mother, the retired elementary teacher assured me. Yeah right, what planet was she from? Apparently, one that suffered from widespread infertility. I
And when all else failed I picked him up and moved him. But unlike the other kids who would run back kicking and screaming. Josh just calmly but purposefully went back to his task as if nothing had interrupted him in the first place. And I could do this over and over and over and over…again. It really was as if I didn’t exist.
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