Anne TootillTo Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two
December 17th 2006 22:22
Many months had passed of me lying in bed. At first I’d hoped that I’d be able to go back to that premo job at the bank. But then when my cervix opened and I was told I’d have to lie in bed all day and all night I knew that was no longer an option. Another opportunity gone. Yes, it really bothered me. But what could I do? Get depressed. Think that it wasn’t fair. Yes, I did all that. And then one day it stopped. I felt so gross and lonely that I stopped thinking about the job I wanted to go back to. After a while I tried not to think about reality at all. What was the use anyway? It wasn’t as if I was part of the living. And after a while the living had mostly forgotten me anyway.
During the evenings after the babysitter had to go home and before my husband came home from work at 8:20 P.M. (he left for work at 7 A.M.) my parents and my husband’s parents took turns watching Josh and making dinner for my husband so that when he came home he’d have a good meal. As for me, most days I ate frozen fried chicken and frozen vegetables. I was O.K. with his home cooked (or take-out) meal and my defrosted one since that was what I seemed to be craving. The part that bothered me was that no one seemed to remember that like my husband I needed some human contact as well.
You see the parents did initially come in to the bedroom to say hello and chat for a while but when it came to dinner I was left alone in the bedroom where I had my 20 minutes of vertical time (I could sit up for two twenty minute periods a day, dinner being one, lunch, the other). Day in, day out I ate alone as I listened to my husband and the parents chatting and laughing while they ate in the dining area.
One day while I was eating in my bed and they were eating not far away in the dining room I called out to ask for ketchup. They yelled back that I was such a pest. And then they all laughed and laughed and laughed. They were joking. Of course I knew that they were joking. That’s why when one of them brought the ketchup I did what I was supposed to. I laughed along with them. Even though they were only joking I knew there was some truth to what they said. I knew I was a pest. I knew how difficult they had it. They had to serve me. I knew I should be grateful.
But after I got the ketchup and they left the room I heard them laughing and having fun and I cried. Quietly so no one would hear. All alone in my bed I cried while they laughed and chatted and ate their nice meal together.
During the evenings after the babysitter had to go home and before my husband came home from work at 8:20 P.M. (he left for work at 7 A.M.) my parents and my husband’s parents took turns watching Josh and making dinner for my husband so that when he came home he’d have a good meal. As for me, most days I ate frozen fried chicken and frozen vegetables. I was O.K. with his home cooked (or take-out) meal and my defrosted one since that was what I seemed to be craving. The part that bothered me was that no one seemed to remember that like my husband I needed some human contact as well.
You see the parents did initially come in to the bedroom to say hello and chat for a while but when it came to dinner I was left alone in the bedroom where I had my 20 minutes of vertical time (I could sit up for two twenty minute periods a day, dinner being one, lunch, the other). Day in, day out I ate alone as I listened to my husband and the parents chatting and laughing while they ate in the dining area.
One day while I was eating in my bed and they were eating not far away in the dining room I called out to ask for ketchup. They yelled back that I was such a pest. And then they all laughed and laughed and laughed. They were joking. Of course I knew that they were joking. That’s why when one of them brought the ketchup I did what I was supposed to. I laughed along with them. Even though they were only joking I knew there was some truth to what they said. I knew I was a pest. I knew how difficult they had it. They had to serve me. I knew I should be grateful.
But after I got the ketchup and they left the room I heard them laughing and having fun and I cried. Quietly so no one would hear. All alone in my bed I cried while they laughed and chatted and ate their nice meal together.
| 36 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
