Anne TootillTo Be or Not to Be a Mother - Part Two
November 20th 2006 17:20
“Say something,” I said to my husband. But he was too stunned to say a word. And then he asked how? And I reminded him of that night. He told me that he’d support any decision I made. He said he knew how hard it had been for me. How much I had suffered when I was pregnant with Josh. How hard it had been for both of us. But even though I was scared and I didn’t want to go through what I had before, a part of me thought that maybe, maybe it would be different this time. And more importantly, just like I had known I was pregnant without any reason to think I was, I also somehow knew this baby would be a girl. And I did want to have a daughter. For me, then my family would be complete. Knowing all this as far as I was concerned, there were no choices but one.
By the time we celebrated Josh’s first birthday I was almost a month along. It was a big party with lots of friends and relatives and a really big cake. I’m not sure if Josh had fun, he was too busy looking, looking, looking at all the people and then playing, playing, playing with his new toys. But I know I did. And I felt great. No morning sickness, no nausea, my skin looked great, I was at the weight I wanted to be, I had a job I really liked, people I really liked working with. It was all good. “Who could ask for anything more…”
Then another month passed and I started to feel sick. It wasn’t like it had been with Josh. Then it had come upon me all at once. This time it sort of crept up on me. A little bit one day, more the next until one day I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor at work propped up against the wall and telling myself over and over that I wasn’t going to vomit.
You see I hated vomiting. I hated it so much that before I was pregnant with Josh I hadn’t let myself vomit in 15 years. That’s right, I hadn’t let myself do it. You’d be surprised what you can keep down with a lot of concentration and effort. No matter how much I felt like tossing it, I somehow managed to hold it in. That was until I was pregnant with Josh and then no amount of will held I back.
Well I could hardly see straight I was so overcome by the dizziness and nausea but I still I managed to exert some control over my esophageal refluxes. And exert I did. Concentrating like crazy to keep from vomiting. But it was work. Alot of work. And even though everyone at work was concerned, helpful and compassionate soon my whole day and night became one big effort to get through the nausea and keep from vomiting.
Finally, my boss told me it was time to go see my doctor. Maybe he could help, he said. But I already knew what my doctor would say. Then again Duke had been so good to me how could I not try? So I went to see my OB/GYN. And I went during work hours because my doctors didn’t have night or evening hours. And I went with my boss’ blessing and prayers. I told you he was an angel.
By the time we celebrated Josh’s first birthday I was almost a month along. It was a big party with lots of friends and relatives and a really big cake. I’m not sure if Josh had fun, he was too busy looking, looking, looking at all the people and then playing, playing, playing with his new toys. But I know I did. And I felt great. No morning sickness, no nausea, my skin looked great, I was at the weight I wanted to be, I had a job I really liked, people I really liked working with. It was all good. “Who could ask for anything more…”
Then another month passed and I started to feel sick. It wasn’t like it had been with Josh. Then it had come upon me all at once. This time it sort of crept up on me. A little bit one day, more the next until one day I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor at work propped up against the wall and telling myself over and over that I wasn’t going to vomit.
You see I hated vomiting. I hated it so much that before I was pregnant with Josh I hadn’t let myself vomit in 15 years. That’s right, I hadn’t let myself do it. You’d be surprised what you can keep down with a lot of concentration and effort. No matter how much I felt like tossing it, I somehow managed to hold it in. That was until I was pregnant with Josh and then no amount of will held I back.
Well I could hardly see straight I was so overcome by the dizziness and nausea but I still I managed to exert some control over my esophageal refluxes. And exert I did. Concentrating like crazy to keep from vomiting. But it was work. Alot of work. And even though everyone at work was concerned, helpful and compassionate soon my whole day and night became one big effort to get through the nausea and keep from vomiting.
Finally, my boss told me it was time to go see my doctor. Maybe he could help, he said. But I already knew what my doctor would say. Then again Duke had been so good to me how could I not try? So I went to see my OB/GYN. And I went during work hours because my doctors didn’t have night or evening hours. And I went with my boss’ blessing and prayers. I told you he was an angel.
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