Anne TootillTo Be or Not To Be a Mother - Part Two
November 16th 2006 16:54
I’m loving my freedom. The work is O.K. but the people are great. It’s like I was in prison and I’ve been paroled. During work hours I can come and go as I please…all by myself. I never realized how wonderful it felt to walk out a door without having to pack up diapers, a bottle, a burping cloth and a baby.
Just diapering and feeding Josh to make sure he wouldn’t need it while we were out could take half an hour. And of course in addition to dressing myself I had to dress him as well. Dead weight, that’s what I was dealing with and while he was a light- weight, dead weight, still trying to pull on, push on, tug on, pants, a top, and a sweater without any help from the person I was dressing (aka the dressee) was a challenge even if he wasn’t squirming all over the changing table, which he was. And sure, when I wasn’t in a hurry, when dressing Josh was the main event of the day, we had fun playing with his toes and his nose, but when I had errands to do or I just wanted to get out of the house before I had to feed him another bottle then it did kind of make me a little crazy.
But there I was at work walking from building to building without having to do anything but put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t have to think of anyone else but myself. And lunch…lunch was amazing because I could go out with the girls and sit and eat at less than lightning speed. And I got to do something I hadn’t done much of in a year. I got to talk to other people. Especially women. I got to talk and joke and shop and just have some time for me. Selfish and not very motherly of me, I know, but wonderful, simply wonderful.
And when I came home I may have felt some guilt. O.K. loads of guilt. I am Jewish after all. But I was happy. And I felt independent and I really appreciated my son. I was no longer trying to make myself believe I liked motherhood. Know what? I really did.
Just diapering and feeding Josh to make sure he wouldn’t need it while we were out could take half an hour. And of course in addition to dressing myself I had to dress him as well. Dead weight, that’s what I was dealing with and while he was a light- weight, dead weight, still trying to pull on, push on, tug on, pants, a top, and a sweater without any help from the person I was dressing (aka the dressee) was a challenge even if he wasn’t squirming all over the changing table, which he was. And sure, when I wasn’t in a hurry, when dressing Josh was the main event of the day, we had fun playing with his toes and his nose, but when I had errands to do or I just wanted to get out of the house before I had to feed him another bottle then it did kind of make me a little crazy.
But there I was at work walking from building to building without having to do anything but put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t have to think of anyone else but myself. And lunch…lunch was amazing because I could go out with the girls and sit and eat at less than lightning speed. And I got to do something I hadn’t done much of in a year. I got to talk to other people. Especially women. I got to talk and joke and shop and just have some time for me. Selfish and not very motherly of me, I know, but wonderful, simply wonderful.
And when I came home I may have felt some guilt. O.K. loads of guilt. I am Jewish after all. But I was happy. And I felt independent and I really appreciated my son. I was no longer trying to make myself believe I liked motherhood. Know what? I really did.
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