Anne TootillTo Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two
October 17th 2006 15:20
I couldn’t take it anymore. It was like something inside me snapped. I was so tired. So, so tired. I was so frustrated. But more than that I was angry. I was so angry. I knew that I had to be away from Josh. I was afraid of what I was feeling. So much anger. Stop crying! Stop! Stop! I had no one to share it with. It was just me and Josh.
I loved him. I knew I loved him but I wasn’t feeling love at that moment. I wasn’t actually feeling anything except rage. I didn’t want to hurt him. I was his mommy. And mommies didn’t hurt their babies but I couldn’t think straight. Because of the lack of sleep I didn’t remember when I last could think straight. All that kept going through my head was that I couldn’t stand another moment of his crying.
I’d tried everything to soothe him. I fed him, burped him, diapered him, rocked him, pressed my pinky into his belly, I sang to him, talked to him I even flew him around like Superman and he quieted for a moment but as soon as the flight ended he was screaming his lungs off again and I could feel this anger welling up inside me. Anger at myself. Anger at him. Anger at my husband. Anger at my parents and my in-laws. I couldn’t help him. I was a failure. Why wouldn’t he stop crying? Stop crying, stop crying, stop crying I silently begged.
I knew I had to do something before I “did something” so I carefully laid him in his crib, turned on the colorful plastic cows circling over his crib, told him I loved him (through clinched teeth) and then walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. I felt so guilty leaving him alone. I was his mommy. I had abandoned my son. But I knew I couldn’t go back in. Not yet.
Someone help me. Please. But no one came so I called the only person I thought could understand what I was going through. I called my husband. And I cried. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed a break. “Help me, please!”
But my husband told me that I had to go back to Josh. I had to take him out of his crib. That I couldn’t leave him there alone because he could get hurt. How I wanted to know, how could he get hurt in his softly padded crib that I had so carefully baby-proofed from day one? But I never challenged his command. I felt so guilty about what I had done. About what I had been feeling, that I did exactly what he said.
I was a bad mother and I knew it. Motherhood was my job now and I had to do what I had to do no matter. And I did. But I was so sad and I felt so alone that day. So very alone.
I loved him. I knew I loved him but I wasn’t feeling love at that moment. I wasn’t actually feeling anything except rage. I didn’t want to hurt him. I was his mommy. And mommies didn’t hurt their babies but I couldn’t think straight. Because of the lack of sleep I didn’t remember when I last could think straight. All that kept going through my head was that I couldn’t stand another moment of his crying.
I knew I had to do something before I “did something” so I carefully laid him in his crib, turned on the colorful plastic cows circling over his crib, told him I loved him (through clinched teeth) and then walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. I felt so guilty leaving him alone. I was his mommy. I had abandoned my son. But I knew I couldn’t go back in. Not yet.
Someone help me. Please. But no one came so I called the only person I thought could understand what I was going through. I called my husband. And I cried. I told him I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed a break. “Help me, please!”
But my husband told me that I had to go back to Josh. I had to take him out of his crib. That I couldn’t leave him there alone because he could get hurt. How I wanted to know, how could he get hurt in his softly padded crib that I had so carefully baby-proofed from day one? But I never challenged his command. I felt so guilty about what I had done. About what I had been feeling, that I did exactly what he said.
I was a bad mother and I knew it. Motherhood was my job now and I had to do what I had to do no matter. And I did. But I was so sad and I felt so alone that day. So very alone.
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Comment by KateG
Asperger's Island