Anne TootillTo Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two
October 12th 2006 16:30
Today I decided I was going to do something. And by something I meant something more than getting out of bed, feeding me and Josh and getting us dressing. I needed, really needed to get something accomplished even though Josh was still crying all day long. And yes I brought him back to the doctor again and again to see if maybe he had missed something. But no, according to the doctor there was nothing wrong with Josh and in time he’d grow out of it. And yes I knew and trusted this doctor who had cared for me and my two sisters for umpteen million years having diagnosed many problems and illnesses that other doctors had missed.
“By three months,” the doctor promised, “by three months the crying would end.” I was too tired to ask for his psychic credentials, all I could think of was…at least two more months of this? How would I survive?
I can’t explain what constant crying and lack of sleep (two or three hours a night for two weeks and counting) does to a person. You can’t think clearly. It’s like you’re in a fog. Like you’re watching the world go by from behind a slightly smudged window. You shake your head quickly to try and clear the image, to snap out of it but nothing helps. You’re functioning on auto-pilot.
There were a lot of moments when I thought I would cry but I was too tired to do even that. Yup, playtime was definitely over, and real life was nothing like I had expected. Happy? Mostly, I felt lonely. No one was around because everyone else had a job. A job where, if they worked hard and performed well they’d receive praises, promotions and money. A job well done? They never had to guess. How good does that feel? You know I was working hard too. No, I was working my butt off for one client. My son. And what was his response to all my efforts? Crying, endless crying. No matter what I did or how I did it I couldn’t please him. He was never happy. I knew he was only a baby. Nothing personal. But I’m a Type A person, always have been, probably always will be and to me this said one thing…I wasn’t doing it right. Motherhood – in my case -obviously not a job well done.
But today I wasn’t going to sit in the house and think about what a bad mother I was because my baby cried all the time. Today Josh and I were going to go food shopping.
Married Dating?
I can’t explain what constant crying and lack of sleep (two or three hours a night for two weeks and counting) does to a person. You can’t think clearly. It’s like you’re in a fog. Like you’re watching the world go by from behind a slightly smudged window. You shake your head quickly to try and clear the image, to snap out of it but nothing helps. You’re functioning on auto-pilot.
There were a lot of moments when I thought I would cry but I was too tired to do even that. Yup, playtime was definitely over, and real life was nothing like I had expected. Happy? Mostly, I felt lonely. No one was around because everyone else had a job. A job where, if they worked hard and performed well they’d receive praises, promotions and money. A job well done? They never had to guess. How good does that feel? You know I was working hard too. No, I was working my butt off for one client. My son. And what was his response to all my efforts? Crying, endless crying. No matter what I did or how I did it I couldn’t please him. He was never happy. I knew he was only a baby. Nothing personal. But I’m a Type A person, always have been, probably always will be and to me this said one thing…I wasn’t doing it right. Motherhood – in my case -obviously not a job well done.
But today I wasn’t going to sit in the house and think about what a bad mother I was because my baby cried all the time. Today Josh and I were going to go food shopping.
Married Dating?
| 44 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
Comment by KateG
Asperger's Island
I have just read most of your old posts and my heart goes out to you! Sounds like you had an absolute nightmare pregnancy, and now you have a kid who won't stop crying, it never ends, does it? I'm so sorry - I wish you didn't have to suffer so much. I wish people would give you more attention and help, no one deserves to go through this alone. It's awful how the media portrays motherhood and pregnancy to be such wonderful things and puts all this pressure on mothers to be saints and such, but never reveals how hard it really is.
You might be interested in this book - The Mommy Myth by Susan Douglas - look it up on Amazon - all about how women are supposed to be superheroes but really, are only human.
I hope you get some sleep soon.
Are there any treatments for colic? Is that what you said it was? Have you tried putting him on top of the dryer when it's on - I have heard that the vibrations of it and the warmth of soothe many fussy babies and they go to sleep. I don't know if two weeks is too young to do that though. I guess not. As long as the vibrations weren't too strong I guess. Does it make a difference if the room is dark or light? Is there any time he doesn't cry? Wish I could help you. Good luck.
Kate