Anne TootillTo Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two
October 11th 2006 14:44
I tried what the pediatrician suggested. I made the hole in the nipple bigger so he got more formula. And after he ate I burped him. And then I rocked him And if he cried I gently pressed a pinky into his abdomen. Nothing worked. Still he ate all day. And still he was up all night. And still he cried. And he cried and he cried.
I felt like a failure as a mother. I was helpless to help my baby. Three hours of sleep broken up into one hour shifts. I was getting more and more tired. And I was getting more and more frustrated and on edge. And tearful.
It didn’t help that when my in-laws came to see Josh or I brought him to their house my mother-in-law would recount tales of my husband at that tender age. How he had cried all day (but slept all night). And how her mother had given her a two or was it a three hour reprieve every day to go out or do whatever she wanted. And how if she hadn’t had that reprieve she would have gone nuts.
Now imagine sitting there listening to this as you’re going nuts. Knowing that your mother-in-law knows exactly what you’re going through and can see how frazzled you are but never once suggests that you go out and take some time for yourself or even that you take a nap. Could she not have known how hard it was for me? But hadn’t she just finished telling me how hard it had been for her? Hadn’t she admitted that if it weren’t for her mother’s help she would have been lost? I was so angry and sad but I never said anything. I knew. I knew that I was supposed to bring the baby over so they could have their playtime. So I did what I was supposed to. I smiled and I socialized until they had their fill.
As for my parents, they both worked. My younger sister worked. My older sister worked part-time, all my friends worked (I was the first to have a baby) and my husband worked. And with me not working we really couldn’t afford to pay a babysitter. So it was just me and Josh. Me and all that crying, crying, crying.
I felt like a failure as a mother. I was helpless to help my baby. Three hours of sleep broken up into one hour shifts. I was getting more and more tired. And I was getting more and more frustrated and on edge. And tearful.
It didn’t help that when my in-laws came to see Josh or I brought him to their house my mother-in-law would recount tales of my husband at that tender age. How he had cried all day (but slept all night). And how her mother had given her a two or was it a three hour reprieve every day to go out or do whatever she wanted. And how if she hadn’t had that reprieve she would have gone nuts.
Now imagine sitting there listening to this as you’re going nuts. Knowing that your mother-in-law knows exactly what you’re going through and can see how frazzled you are but never once suggests that you go out and take some time for yourself or even that you take a nap. Could she not have known how hard it was for me? But hadn’t she just finished telling me how hard it had been for her? Hadn’t she admitted that if it weren’t for her mother’s help she would have been lost? I was so angry and sad but I never said anything. I knew. I knew that I was supposed to bring the baby over so they could have their playtime. So I did what I was supposed to. I smiled and I socialized until they had their fill.
As for my parents, they both worked. My younger sister worked. My older sister worked part-time, all my friends worked (I was the first to have a baby) and my husband worked. And with me not working we really couldn’t afford to pay a babysitter. So it was just me and Josh. Me and all that crying, crying, crying.
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