Anne TootillTo Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part One
October 2nd 2006 20:25
That night after the mommies and daddies had private bonding time with their new little bundles of joy. After me and my husband took pictures of each other cuddling Josh, after all the visitors had left, I called my husband at home and I cried. I cried softly so no one else in the room would know what a terrible person I was when I should have been happy… like them. I knew I was a bad person for feeling sad when I should have felt happy. I knew it, but I couldn’t make it go away.
I talked to my husband for a while but I never did tell him how I really felt. After all he wouldn’t have understood. I knew that too. I knew it because like me he had always been lead to believe that having babies was a happy time. A happy time for everyone. So I just told him how hurt I was that he hadn’t gotten me any flowers. How much it embarrassed me in front of all those other new mothers whose families and friends had given them lots. Why not me?
He apologized but in the end he never did show up bearing gifts of any sort. Never once letting me know how much it meant to him that I had suffered through so much to give him a son. So much that my large OB/GYN practice had anointed me their sickest pregnancy. And when another one of their patients, who had been as sick as me, opted for an abortion to end her suffering, they were more than a little surprised when I did not do the same. Not a flower, not a candy, not a word of thanks. I knew I was being ungrateful/and petty. I knew that if anyone else found out how I was feeling they’d let me know they thought the same. So I never brought it up again. But right or wrong it really bothered me. Didn’t I count too?
I talked to my husband for a while but I never did tell him how I really felt. After all he wouldn’t have understood. I knew that too. I knew it because like me he had always been lead to believe that having babies was a happy time. A happy time for everyone. So I just told him how hurt I was that he hadn’t gotten me any flowers. How much it embarrassed me in front of all those other new mothers whose families and friends had given them lots. Why not me?
He apologized but in the end he never did show up bearing gifts of any sort. Never once letting me know how much it meant to him that I had suffered through so much to give him a son. So much that my large OB/GYN practice had anointed me their sickest pregnancy. And when another one of their patients, who had been as sick as me, opted for an abortion to end her suffering, they were more than a little surprised when I did not do the same. Not a flower, not a candy, not a word of thanks. I knew I was being ungrateful/and petty. I knew that if anyone else found out how I was feeling they’d let me know they thought the same. So I never brought it up again. But right or wrong it really bothered me. Didn’t I count too?
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