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Keeping Secrets in a Relationship

March 23rd 2009 15:38
When in a relationship, you want to be very careful about keeping secrets. Secrets can be the make or break of a relationship, and you should definitely make sure that you know which secrets to hold back and which you shouldn't. You should also be aware of good ways to finally tell your secrets when you think the time is necessary.

Just remember that secrets can hurt so you want to always think how would you like them to be handled if you were on the other side because you know that all relationships have secrets, even though in a perfect world a healthy relationship would not.

Consider the following dating tips for secrets before you take the plunge and hold something back that you may not need to.

Secrets you should not keep
You want to be very careful about holding secrets that may impact your partner's future or your relationship together. So any secrets from your past that may inhibit the future such as debts, medical conditions, or abuse, should definitely be disclosed. You should also inform your partner about present situations that may affect your future such as employment and health.

You'll quickly find that secrets that can potentially affect you, your family, and your relationship are those secrets that you want to disclose with your partner. When the truths do come out, you'll get the initial tremors in the start following by distrust and betrayal which can cause more serious, long-term problems with a relationship than the initial secret.

Even if the secret is minor, you want to be open.

Secrets you should consider telling
Those secrets that you're not quite sure of because they're not exactly 'Spill' secrets that can affect your future, are a little harder to determine whether or not you should tell your partner about. These secrets are those that can include embarrassing stories of your past, such as pictures/videos, drunken escapades, ex's, or anything that you don't want your partner to accidentally find out.

Secrets that can be kept secret
Although, honesty is always the best policy, but there are some secrets that give you wiggle room in a relationship. These are harmless secrets that do not involve outright lies. They can range from really stupid secrets like buying a gift for your partner or setting up a surprise date, or they can be a little more mild such as sneaking that one cigarette at work when you said you would stop smoking or spending a few extra bucks on something nice for yourself (as long as you can afford it and it won't break the bank).

The teeny secrets are what make a relationship more interesting because if you knew every detail of your partner's life there wouldn't be any excitement in the relationship. You just want to make sure that you are both on the same page as to which secrets are mild enough to keep secret. If your partner really wants you to stop smoking, and s/he finds out that you snuck that one cigarette, will that end the relationship?

How to tell your secret
When you know it's time to divulge the secret that's been eating at your for days, months, or years, you want to make sure that you go about it the right way. You want to ease the unveiling as best as you can. Remember to be sensitive.

Try to set a time to speak privately and openly with your partner. You don't want to spring the news on him; ask for an hour or two so that you can talk openly without fighting. Try to pick a place that will be a little private so that you aren't in a restaurant, where a scene can be caused; a nice biased place is always great.

Be ready to apologize for the secret. Although just saying that you're sorry isn't going to be enough to completely wipe things clean, it will be the beginning. Make sure that you ask for forgiveness as well. You don't want the situation to seem like it's not that big of a deal by blowing it off, but you don't want to overplay it either.

If you really feel like you need to, ask the help of an unbiased and neutral third party to act as a referee, so to speak. You don't want to ask your best friend, his mother, or a mutual friend, but at the same time you don't want to ask the bum living under the bridge either. It's always good to consider seeking a counselor if the secret is a serious bombshell of a secret.


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2 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Morgan Bell

March 24th 2009 13:53
i think you should tell your partner things that all your friends and family know so that when it is brought up at a social occassion, as it inevitably will be, they dont get left looking like an idiot

great advice Whitney

you could be Orbles new agony aunt . . .

Comment by Whitney

March 24th 2009 14:27
Morgan, I agree. If your friends know, then your partner should know, especially if it could lead to an embarrassing situation if the secret slips.

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