WhitneyHe still talks to his ex-girlfriend, how to deal with it?
May 9th 2009 15:16
If you're in a relationship where your current boyfriend still talks to his ex-girlfriend, that doesn't mean that you have room to be concerned. Sometimes people who have dated can stay friends. It really is possible.
But, if you're really that worried about it and it bothers you, then you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. Find out why he talks to his ex. Try to find an agreement or compromise that you both can handle so that he can still keep his friend and you can keep your sanity and relationship.
First off, you should realize that just because they dated in the past, it doesn't mean that they're planning something in the present for the future, nor does it mean that they're hooking up behind your back. You want to believe that they are ex's for a reason, and if they both really wanted to get back together, then they would.
You want to keep things open and honest, so that he doesn't have to feel like he has to go behind your back as to not start a fight. You want him to be able to come to you for anything. Just make sure that your boyfriend is aware that it does bother you that he still talks to his ex. He'll understand, but as long as you don't ban him from talking or seeing her, he shouldn't have a problem with respecting you and any boundaries.
The more you respect your boyfriend and the more you trust him, the stronger your relationship will be.
Just make sure that the two of you sit down in the beginning when you first find out that he talks to his ex, and discuss the potential issue. Sometimes, there is a reason as to why they still talk. Whether it be a child, mutual friend, similar hobby, whatever.
For instance, my boyfriend and his ex still talk, but it's not because he chooses to. It's because his father is a father-figure to her, since her dad has always been pretty non-existent in her life. So, since she has that relationship with his father, she has to call him on occasion. Most of the time, it's because she can't stay with his step-mom while his dad goes out of town, so she'll need him (my boyfriend) to do it, instead. And, there are a few instances where she'll be drunk and call him bitching like she did when they dated. Hence, they're ex's for a reason, so I pretty much have to get over it and get used to the fact that my boyfriend's ex will always be in his life indirectly through his father. (The problem with this situation, is not my boyfriend talking to his ex, but the love that his father has for her as a daughter figure, which in my opinion should be granted to the current girlfriend. But, then again it's different since he's a real father-figure to her.)
But, back on track.. If your boyfriend still talks to his ex, you should really consider just sitting down with him and calmly talking it out. You want to be rational, especially if the situation is such where he'll have to have some contact with his ex. You don't want to tell him, "I'm sorry you have a child with her, but I don't want you talking to her ever" because that's just not civil by any means.
You want to make sure that your boyfriend is aware of how you feel, and together you can make a compromise that will hopefully make you feel a little bit better and confident about your relationship.
Plus, if they are truly friends, you don't want to completely cut a friend out of your boyfriend's life, unless the friend is truly a bad influence.
First off, you should realize that just because they dated in the past, it doesn't mean that they're planning something in the present for the future, nor does it mean that they're hooking up behind your back. You want to believe that they are ex's for a reason, and if they both really wanted to get back together, then they would.
You want to keep things open and honest, so that he doesn't have to feel like he has to go behind your back as to not start a fight. You want him to be able to come to you for anything. Just make sure that your boyfriend is aware that it does bother you that he still talks to his ex. He'll understand, but as long as you don't ban him from talking or seeing her, he shouldn't have a problem with respecting you and any boundaries.
The more you respect your boyfriend and the more you trust him, the stronger your relationship will be.
Just make sure that the two of you sit down in the beginning when you first find out that he talks to his ex, and discuss the potential issue. Sometimes, there is a reason as to why they still talk. Whether it be a child, mutual friend, similar hobby, whatever.
For instance, my boyfriend and his ex still talk, but it's not because he chooses to. It's because his father is a father-figure to her, since her dad has always been pretty non-existent in her life. So, since she has that relationship with his father, she has to call him on occasion. Most of the time, it's because she can't stay with his step-mom while his dad goes out of town, so she'll need him (my boyfriend) to do it, instead. And, there are a few instances where she'll be drunk and call him bitching like she did when they dated. Hence, they're ex's for a reason, so I pretty much have to get over it and get used to the fact that my boyfriend's ex will always be in his life indirectly through his father. (The problem with this situation, is not my boyfriend talking to his ex, but the love that his father has for her as a daughter figure, which in my opinion should be granted to the current girlfriend. But, then again it's different since he's a real father-figure to her.)
But, back on track.. If your boyfriend still talks to his ex, you should really consider just sitting down with him and calmly talking it out. You want to be rational, especially if the situation is such where he'll have to have some contact with his ex. You don't want to tell him, "I'm sorry you have a child with her, but I don't want you talking to her ever" because that's just not civil by any means.
You want to make sure that your boyfriend is aware of how you feel, and together you can make a compromise that will hopefully make you feel a little bit better and confident about your relationship.
Plus, if they are truly friends, you don't want to completely cut a friend out of your boyfriend's life, unless the friend is truly a bad influence.
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Comment by Cheryl J
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My best friend is a guy I dated for three months and we have been best friends for three years now. I'm no threat to anyone he dates but I doubt he would ever stay with someone who couldn't accept me as we are almost like family.I too would never give up my friendship with him for someone I was dating. They would have to learn that he is part of the package that is me.
He is also very close friends with another of his exes with whom he was in a very serious relationship with. I find it a lovely quality that he feels if he dated someone it was because they were nice and just because love didn't work out in one way doesn't mean it can't be there in another.
Most importantly, it needs to be discussed so that you know why they remained friends. If it is because the guy is still pining for her it's a different story but if everyone has moved on it can be rewarding to be with someone who treats someone they used to be with with respect.
Comment by Nevar
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Comment by Whitney
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Nevar, sexual tension between ex's who are still friends?
Comment by Nevar
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Sure, every man's dream right? Not so for me, my wife and marriage mean a great deal to me and aren't worth the risk of remaining friends with ex's.
I am however friends with many woman that I work with, and even then sexually tense situations can crop up. When I recognize that occurring, I excuse myself and leave.
Sexual tension and attraction are real issues that need to be dealt with when trying to remain friends with anyone that you've be intimate with-sexually or not.
An aside, I actually love this color scheme ~ it's very soothing.
Comment by Whitney
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Thanks. I was actually thinking about changing the colors up some.
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