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He still talks to his ex-girlfriend, how to deal with it?

May 9th 2009 15:16
If you're in a relationship where your current boyfriend still talks to his ex-girlfriend, that doesn't mean that you have room to be concerned. Sometimes people who have dated can stay friends. It really is possible.

But, if you're really that worried about it and it bothers you, then you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. Find out why he talks to his ex. Try to find an agreement or compromise that you both can handle so that he can still keep his friend and you can keep your sanity and relationship.

First off, you should realize that just because they dated in the past, it doesn't mean that they're planning something in the present for the future, nor does it mean that they're hooking up behind your back. You want to believe that they are ex's for a reason, and if they both really wanted to get back together, then they would.

You want to keep things open and honest, so that he doesn't have to feel like he has to go behind your back as to not start a fight. You want him to be able to come to you for anything. Just make sure that your boyfriend is aware that it does bother you that he still talks to his ex. He'll understand, but as long as you don't ban him from talking or seeing her, he shouldn't have a problem with respecting you and any boundaries.

The more you respect your boyfriend and the more you trust him, the stronger your relationship will be.

Just make sure that the two of you sit down in the beginning when you first find out that he talks to his ex, and discuss the potential issue. Sometimes, there is a reason as to why they still talk. Whether it be a child, mutual friend, similar hobby, whatever.


For instance, my boyfriend and his ex still talk, but it's not because he chooses to. It's because his father is a father-figure to her, since her dad has always been pretty non-existent in her life. So, since she has that relationship with his father, she has to call him on occasion. Most of the time, it's because she can't stay with his step-mom while his dad goes out of town, so she'll need him (my boyfriend) to do it, instead. And, there are a few instances where she'll be drunk and call him bitching like she did when they dated. Hence, they're ex's for a reason, so I pretty much have to get over it and get used to the fact that my boyfriend's ex will always be in his life indirectly through his father. (The problem with this situation, is not my boyfriend talking to his ex, but the love that his father has for her as a daughter figure, which in my opinion should be granted to the current girlfriend. But, then again it's different since he's a real father-figure to her.)

But, back on track.. If your boyfriend still talks to his ex, you should really consider just sitting down with him and calmly talking it out. You want to be rational, especially if the situation is such where he'll have to have some contact with his ex. You don't want to tell him, "I'm sorry you have a child with her, but I don't want you talking to her ever" because that's just not civil by any means.

You want to make sure that your boyfriend is aware of how you feel, and together you can make a compromise that will hopefully make you feel a little bit better and confident about your relationship.

Plus, if they are truly friends, you don't want to completely cut a friend out of your boyfriend's life, unless the friend is truly a bad influence.

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Comments
13 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Cheryl J

May 10th 2009 09:50
I think if a man stays friends with his ex it shows that he is a good person. Men that trash their exes are usually of more concern because it must still hurt enough for them to feel the need to do so. I think it's healthy but I can certainly understand it can be a cause of jealousy and one that must be discussed to put you at ease.

My best friend is a guy I dated for three months and we have been best friends for three years now. I'm no threat to anyone he dates but I doubt he would ever stay with someone who couldn't accept me as we are almost like family.I too would never give up my friendship with him for someone I was dating. They would have to learn that he is part of the package that is me.

He is also very close friends with another of his exes with whom he was in a very serious relationship with. I find it a lovely quality that he feels if he dated someone it was because they were nice and just because love didn't work out in one way doesn't mean it can't be there in another.

Most importantly, it needs to be discussed so that you know why they remained friends. If it is because the guy is still pining for her it's a different story but if everyone has moved on it can be rewarding to be with someone who treats someone they used to be with with respect.

Comment by Nevar

May 10th 2009 14:33
How does sexual tension between 'just friends' complicate or impact the issue?

Comment by Whitney

May 10th 2009 22:23
Cheryl, I agree that it should definitely be discussed why they're still friends before anyone starts to get upset and create any ultimatums.

Nevar, sexual tension between ex's who are still friends?

Comment by Nevar

May 10th 2009 22:44
Yes, Whitney, my ex's seemed to think that even though we were split up and still friendly, that I should still be available to them sexually.

Sure, every man's dream right? Not so for me, my wife and marriage mean a great deal to me and aren't worth the risk of remaining friends with ex's.

I am however friends with many woman that I work with, and even then sexually tense situations can crop up. When I recognize that occurring, I excuse myself and leave.

Sexual tension and attraction are real issues that need to be dealt with when trying to remain friends with anyone that you've be intimate with-sexually or not.

An aside, I actually love this color scheme ~ it's very soothing.

Comment by Whitney

May 11th 2009 11:59
Have you discussed the issue with your ex? She should respect that you are being loyal to your wife, and leave it at just friends. It sounds like you are doing a good job at staying out of sticky situations, in general though.

Thanks. I was actually thinking about changing the colors up some.

Comment by Nevar

May 11th 2009 19:57
Oh sure Whitney, those discussions happened long ago; I just brought the point up to add another subtopic to consider. This can't be an isolated occurrence.


Comment by Whitney

May 12th 2009 12:03
Gotcha... It's actually a good topic for a post, as I'm sure many people have gone through this. I know I have. It's one thing to be friends, but don't assume that there will be a sexual relationship there.

Comment by Nevar

May 12th 2009 17:59
Sure, and how that situation is handled can have a profound impact later on down the road. Have fun with this Whitney,

Comment by Whitney

May 12th 2009 19:01
Thanks! It may be a minute before I can get it up and posted, as I have several in line right now, but I'll definitely have fun with this one.

Comment by Anonymous

November 24th 2010 14:59
My boyfriend stays in touch with his ex daily as they have a child. I don't see the need for the daily calls and text messages but he assures me nothing is going on and that he loves me.

I don'like the situation but he assures me he won't do anything to hurt me and I have to accept what he is saying or finish with him.

Life isn't easy

Comment by Anonymous

January 25th 2011 04:04
well it really makes me mad that when his ex calls text ect... he waits until i leave to talk or erace the massages like theirs something to hide it make me think hes cheating on me i get mad i asked him to cut off all other females other then the mother of his chid being as thouht all the other still want sex from him im losing more and more trust each day

Comment by Anonymous

February 13th 2011 01:18
We have dated for almost a year now, and unfortunately dated when they were still together for 6 yrs (You can see why I am insecure when they are still friends..)

I have explained that even though I am uncomfortable with him being in touch with his ex, I am fine with their friendship as long as I know when they get in touch and not hiding it from me. But the past couple of fall outs we had was because I came across text messages and being told they were seen together at dinner without my knowledge, and that completely busts my trust.

The last row was his text message to her telling her she is the prettiest, nicest and most honest person he has ever been with/in the world.
He says he keeps in touch because he's concerned of her well-being after the breakup (???)

What really upsets me still and challenges my trust is that
1. he still hides it from me
2. I don't understand why he had to tell her those things, it only makes me feel threatened and second-best
3. just because I am fine with the friendship, doesn't mean he can go have dinner without telling me or say those nice things with my knowledge.

I know exes can be friends but I am pretty sure this is NOT the way to do it.. he is abusing my trust, and I don't want to be the one who will ask him to cut off all contacts but how do I make him keeping it strictly 'just friends' without making me feel threatened!

Comment by Anonymous

June 13th 2012 18:13
i have been with my boyfriend a while now, but am concerned that the fact his ex works around the corner from his home and always sees him. recently they've been texting each other and he has been meeting up with her and doing favours! i don't know what to do? it's making me feel like crap and to be very honest it's giving me doubts about the relationship.. he always puts kisses to his ex and everything too. i'm not bothered about that but it's annoying that he texts her more than he texts me!
him and his ex were together for 6 years. i have been with him for 6 months and he says he loves me and wants to be with me but everytime i ask him why he is texting, ringing and running about and meeting up with his ex, he causes an arguement! i really need help and fast before this relationship crumbles!

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