WhitneyTaking Your Own Relationship Advice
July 19th 2009 22:49
I know I have a post about dealing with jealousy and another about dealing with your boyfriend being friends with his ex, but you know… It’s really not as easy as it sounds, and there’s just no cookie cutter answer. As a female, I’d love to tell you that there’s just a plain and simple cookie cutter answer, but each relationship is different, each situation is different, and every person is different.
I can spew advice on dealing with general situations, but you know it’s always so much harder to take your own advice. Now, I’m not saying my advice is wrong or incorrect by any means, it’s just hard to take and put into effect in my own relationship. I am fighting urges of jealousy when my boyfriend talks to his ex girlfriend who he dated for SIX YEARS. It’s over and has been for a while; I just keep telling myself that they’re ex’s for a reason and if he wanted to be with her then he would.
But, it’s hard. I don’t want anyone to think that ignoring jealousy and working around your boyfriend being friends with his ex. It’s hard it’s very hard.
I’m implementing the tools (or trying to), but dangit it I want to kick and scream and tell him to stop talking to her or else. Ha ha… But, I know that I can’t do that, and that’s just not the right way to go about it. I talked to him; told him it bothered me, but because he was already heated about something else, he turned the tables on me.
At that point, he brought it back to him and we discussed how it didn’t used to bother me that he talks to her, but I mentioned it has for a while. I just never said anything because I know it won’t do any good. He said he didn’t think it bothered me and asked what I’d like him to do. Told him I wasn’t going to tell him what to do, and that was his decision. (In reality, I’d really like him to stop, but I know she won’t stop talking to him. So, it’s pointless.)
And, yes I realize there’s a background of a 6 year relationship and a relationship between her and his dad, but you know… I find it odd when ex’s are still friends. Personally, I’d rather not talk to mine. The one phone call a month is plenty to handle from my last ex, and I’d rather not talk to the one before that. But hey, I guess I wouldn’t understand since I’ve never had a 6 year relationship. My 3 year one (off and on) was a terrible relationship to begin with, and they were engaged to be married. So, it must have been something. They were just young and held onto something that wasn’t there for longer than they should have. Although, I’ve never really asked what happened. I just know that the last time he let someone in, she cheated on him, but I’m not sure if that was this ex or another. I just know that after this one, he’s never really had a steady relationship.
But, anyway… The point is… It’s very hard to follow advice, even if you know that it’s the right advice. Sometimes your emotions get the better of you. You just have to fight them sometimes.
But, in regards to the jealousy concern; I’ll tell you I feel inferior to his ex because 1) she has such a strong relationship with his father and 2) I feel that her body is better than mine. (Plus dangit I’ve seen two pictures of two girls he’s dated- this one and another, and they’ve both had better bodies. I'm skinny, flat chested, and pale; whereas the two pictures I saw they were average weights but with flat stomachs, decent boobs, and tan.) So, because I know why I’m jealous, I should work on myself to work on my problems with my boyfriend talking to his ex girlfriend.
But, it’s hard. I don’t want anyone to think that ignoring jealousy and working around your boyfriend being friends with his ex. It’s hard it’s very hard.
I’m implementing the tools (or trying to), but dangit it I want to kick and scream and tell him to stop talking to her or else. Ha ha… But, I know that I can’t do that, and that’s just not the right way to go about it. I talked to him; told him it bothered me, but because he was already heated about something else, he turned the tables on me.
“But you still talk to your ex.”
HELLO he’s in prison, and out of say eight calls this week, I answered one.
“But you want to write him.”
No what I said was, he tried to guilt me into writing him, and I said that I would, but haven’t gotten around to it. If I really wanted to I would have already, but it’s been at least 2-3 weeks at least since I last talked to him and told him I’d write, and I haven’t as of yet.
“But you want to.”
No I just said that I would, doesn’t mean I want to. I don’t have anything to say to him.
HELLO he’s in prison, and out of say eight calls this week, I answered one.
“But you want to write him.”
No what I said was, he tried to guilt me into writing him, and I said that I would, but haven’t gotten around to it. If I really wanted to I would have already, but it’s been at least 2-3 weeks at least since I last talked to him and told him I’d write, and I haven’t as of yet.
“But you want to.”
No I just said that I would, doesn’t mean I want to. I don’t have anything to say to him.
At that point, he brought it back to him and we discussed how it didn’t used to bother me that he talks to her, but I mentioned it has for a while. I just never said anything because I know it won’t do any good. He said he didn’t think it bothered me and asked what I’d like him to do. Told him I wasn’t going to tell him what to do, and that was his decision. (In reality, I’d really like him to stop, but I know she won’t stop talking to him. So, it’s pointless.)
And, yes I realize there’s a background of a 6 year relationship and a relationship between her and his dad, but you know… I find it odd when ex’s are still friends. Personally, I’d rather not talk to mine. The one phone call a month is plenty to handle from my last ex, and I’d rather not talk to the one before that. But hey, I guess I wouldn’t understand since I’ve never had a 6 year relationship. My 3 year one (off and on) was a terrible relationship to begin with, and they were engaged to be married. So, it must have been something. They were just young and held onto something that wasn’t there for longer than they should have. Although, I’ve never really asked what happened. I just know that the last time he let someone in, she cheated on him, but I’m not sure if that was this ex or another. I just know that after this one, he’s never really had a steady relationship.
But, anyway… The point is… It’s very hard to follow advice, even if you know that it’s the right advice. Sometimes your emotions get the better of you. You just have to fight them sometimes.
But, in regards to the jealousy concern; I’ll tell you I feel inferior to his ex because 1) she has such a strong relationship with his father and 2) I feel that her body is better than mine. (Plus dangit I’ve seen two pictures of two girls he’s dated- this one and another, and they’ve both had better bodies. I'm skinny, flat chested, and pale; whereas the two pictures I saw they were average weights but with flat stomachs, decent boobs, and tan.) So, because I know why I’m jealous, I should work on myself to work on my problems with my boyfriend talking to his ex girlfriend.
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Comment by Journeywoman
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Fashion Peach
As for your man being friends with his ex, unfortunately that can go either way: I've been with guys who wouldn't dream of getting back with their exes (as you say, they're 'ex' for a reason) but was with a guy once who was back with his ex a week after we broke up, and yes she was hanging around like a bad smell during our relationship.
Just trust your own instincts.... you've already recognised that issuing an ultimatum, or nagging him, won't work; you've also recognised that you must use your head over and above your heart; and you've also recognised the difficulty of your situation. So you're well ahead of most people, at least!
Good luck Whitney, I really hope it works out for you. xx
Comment by Anonymous
You are slim and intelligent, considerate -and don't conform to the barbie doll image that prevails so you get extra points for individuality!
Don't believe you are less attractive than those exes he had before. YOU are special - or he would not have been interested in the first place.
Be proud, girl! You are the cat's whiskers and the bees knees! And you'd look better on a fashion catwalk than those lumpy chicks too!