Anne TootillCasual sex left me feeling worthless
July 6th 2008 23:48
In today's heavy-drinking ladette, anything-he-can-do-I-can-do-b etter culture, the prevailing belief appears to be that what's good for the gander is good for the goose, too, so to speak. But is it?
According to new research published last week by Anne Campbell, Professor of Psychology at Durham University, the answer appears to be a surprising no. Indeed, her findings suggest that the majority of women aren't suited to one-night stands at all, no matter how much they try to persuade themselves otherwise.
PR executive Aisling Mustan 28 wasn't happy the morning after her one night stand.
At the party where they'd met, the prospect of a no-strings, one-night stand with a handsome young man had felt sexy, slightly dangerous, liberating and a salve to the ego following the end of a four-year relationship.
After all, in this day and age, if men can do it, why can't women?
Only when Aisling woke up, she didn't feel liberated. As her conquest departed with barely a backward glance, she felt used and cheated, even though she'd been under no illusion that it might lead to anything more.
She worried about what the man really thought of her as a person, what friends would say if they found out, why her one-night stand had been so eager to depart without asking for a phone number.
She felt rotten. In short, she regretted every second of it.
'He was incredibly good-looking and all the girls fancied him,' recalls Aisling, who has now taken a vow of celibacy after a string of soulless one-night stands left her feeling cheap and worthless.
'He pursued me relentlessly and I felt flattered that he was attracted to me, but after I slept with him I never heard from him again, and I later discovered he had many girls on the go.
'Sleeping with someone after a date or two seemed to be the thing everyone was doing and I didn't even consider behaving differently,' she says bluntly.
'But I felt as though I was getting conflicting signals from men. They'd say whatever it took to get me into bed and then drop me. '
Analysing the responses of 1,743 men and women who responded anonymously to an online survey - admitting to one-night stands - she found that 58 per cent of women, compared with only 23 per cent of men, regretted their fleeting, casual encounters with the opposite sex.
The chief emotion expressed by these women was overwhelming regret.
They spoke of feeling 'used' and 'cheated' and of having let themselves down - even when they had no desire for the one-night stand to lead to a more permanent relationship.
Many spoke of their distress at their partner's 'disrespectful' and 'dismissive' behaviour the morning after, which felt to them like a cruel rejection after the intimacies of the night before.
'If they blank you the next time they see you rather than just say "Hi" and smile or something, then they can shatter your confidence in an instant,' said one woman who took part in the survey.
'Even if I didn't want anything to do with them after a one-night stand, it would be nice to know if they liked me,' said another.
A third continued: 'I just wanted to feel a bit fancied and desirable. Didn't work though - I felt cheap and dirty after . . .'
A fourth concluded: 'Thought it would be one of life's experiences, but it was nothing like the sex in movies . . . the expectation was better than the reality: the sex was rubbish.'
Contrast these comments with some of the men's: 'I believe that one-night stands are a good way of blowing off sexual steam' said one, while another stated the obvious motivations: 'Excitement and lust'.
Professor Anne Campbell, who analysed the survey for her report The Morning After The Night Before, says: 'I was quite surprised at the significantly lower level of enjoyment among women. '
The message from society for the past 30 years is that if men can have it then we can have it, too. There has been a wholesale rejection of double standards and the message to young women has been, 'if they do it, why shouldn't we?'
'Even if women don't feel good about it the next day, there is a "why not?" attitude towards short-term sexual encounters.
There is an experimental element in which they tell themselves: "I'm going to show myself that I can."
And I'm sure alcohol plays some part in it all, adding a dynamic of its own. 'What women don't realise - and American studies have shown this - is that while men set very high standards for their long-term partners, the threshold for short-term encounters tends to drop like a stone.
In short, men really aren't very choosy at all about whom they have one-night stands with, so spending the night with you is not necessarily a sign that he finds you especially attractive at all.'
Twenty-four-year-old Laura Nettley, a single account manager from South London, believes the research confirms everything she has begun to suspect.
She has had two one-night stands - one with a good male friend from university - and a drunken one with a good-looking stranger she met in a college nightclub in Exeter, where she was studying English Literature - an encounter she describes now as 'meaningless'.
She is now looking for a more settled relationship and has shunned casual encounters.
'Women like me, with university educations and financial independence, are brought up to believe that the world is our oyster,' she says.
'We can be anything we want to be, we can travel the world, we can have relationships on our own terms, which includes of course having sex with a stranger if that is what we desire at the time.
'I really do think men can separate their feelings and just have sex, whereas women connect on a much deeper level.
'There has been such a sea change in society's attitudes towards sex and now we are supposed to feel like men and have loads of sex without falling in love, but I think that's really tough and women aren't being honest with themselves when they say their emotions are not involved.'
According to Professor Campbell's research, it seems that, regardless of today's relaxed social mores, men really are biologically programmed to sow their wild oats before settling down, while women's interests are best served by attracting a high-status, longterm partner who will stick around to help bring up the children.
'In evolutionary biological terms, it is in a man's interests to impregnate as many females as possible to spread his DNA as far and as wide as possible, but he would be crazy to hook up long-term with a promiscuous partner just like him.
'How would he know if the children he was bringing up were his?' says Professor Campbell.
Therefore in a 'pair-bonded' society, a woman who shuns casual sex and appears the faithful type increases her attractiveness, or 'mate value', as a long-term partner and potential mother to a man's children.
From the woman's point of view, says Professor Campbell, unlike males, who are far from choosy, females are subconsciously drawn to the 'Brad Pitts' of this world for their one-night stands.
If, however, in the sober light of day, last night's 'Brad Pitt' in fact looks more like Mr Bean, then a woman's self-respect plummets. As for actually marrying the 'Brad Pitts' of this world, a promiscuous woman jeopardises her chances of attracting a high-status long-term partner by giving away her assets too cheaply.
He thinks: 'If she is prepared to sleep with me so quickly, what's stopping her from sleeping with someone else?'
It would appear that liberated women are very much aware that by indulging in one-night stands they are lowering their 'market price' in the economics of sexual exchange, and, at the very least, expect a degree of appreciation from a man after a one-night stand which is often not forthcoming.
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Comment by katyzzz
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I think such behaviour is disgusting, both for men and for women, when are we going to get a bit of moral tone back, such behaviour is not a good preparation for lasting relationships and marriage and the rearing of children.
Fancy needing an academic to tell people just what such behaviour does. Just goes to show how stupid some females are.
And they think they are liberated, what a joke.
I'd suggest where I think their brains are but I figure they don't have any.
Comment by Anne Tootill
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Surely it would be better to let everyone in your circle know that you say 'no' to casual sex, rather than having your self confidence shattered time after time with rejection
Ladies, wake up.
Comment by Cibbuano
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Even men, who may be interested in one-night stands, are often doing it for the respect of their friends. I know a few women that have flings because it makes them feel attractive.
You wrote:
"In short, men really aren't very choosy at all about whom they have one-night stands with, so spending the night with you is not necessarily a sign that he finds you especially attractive at all.'"
This is incredibly true. When I played on a rugby team, players were encouraged to sleep with any woman that acquiesed, and often, some of the men would deliberately sleep with women that they found unattractive.
Comment by Anne Tootill
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Good to get a male point of view, thanks Cib.
Comment by RubySoho
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Comment by Cibbuano
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Comment by online writer
Not ALL men will do this but many will. Only a real man will admit that they did it though.
I like to say I went home with 8 women one month and 6 of them were pretty good looking. I leave it at that usually hahaha.
Yep, we are pigs. If you REALLY want us to stick around, be sure to have a PS3 or 360 set up in plain sight. You'd be surprised how much influence a good gaming system has on a man.
Comment by Anne Tootill
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Online Writer, thank you for being a real man.
Comment by Jessicca
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That is why dads should encourage their daughters to "keep for the best" and not "taste it first before settling down."
At least that's what my dad has been telling me.
We women are precious. We need to realise that.
Comment by RubySoho
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I can't believe we are still having this conversation in 2008.
And what's all this talk about men shagging ugly, fat chicks?
Next time you to a club or bar take a look around. I guarantee you, you will see far more attractive women than you will see attractive men. You think this fact is lost on us? Do you not think that the reason you go home with the fat/ugly/whatever is because the rest of us won't have you?
Jesus Christ, I hate the world sometimes.
Comment by Anne Tootill
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Right on Jessica
Comment by RubySoho
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Comment by Johnny Come Lately
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I don't know why some people are so precious about sex. It's a normal enjoyable human thing and nothing to be ashamed of. It's fun and if done safely, harmless. Personally, I just find it way more enjoyable with a person I love but that's no reason to go without when you're not in love. It's still good.
Comment by Anne Tootill
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Comment by Jessicca
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That's the mysterious part of it.
You wouldn't dump your soul mate just because he can't hold it more than 2 minutes, right?
Besides. Aren't people say that foreplay is a lot of fun, especially even more with couples in love?
And you can get orgasms in foreplays even right?
So if I'm stuck with my man who can't hold between my legs for more than 2 minutes, there's where creativity comes in!
Comment by Cibbuano
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In my opinion, people should definitely understand their sexual needs - before they make a legally binding agreement to stay together.
Comment by RubySoho
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Damn straight I will.
Sex is a massive part of any relationship. Otherwise, your soul mate may as well be your best friend.
And honey, if he can't keep it up for more than two minutes, chances are, he ain't so skilled with his hands or tongue either....just saying....
Comment by Jessicca
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But true (in my case), soul mate doesn't solely apply in sexual side...
LOL RubySoho, I heard from one particular married couple once said...
"Marriage in the beginning is always romance and sex, but it'll take friendship to keep that bond for many years to come. "
Both of their age now sums up more than 1 century old, and they are still happily together...
At the end of the day, it is one's point of view and his/her partner needs to know it well enough before any ties happen.... like Cibby said.