Anne TootillTo Be or Not To Be a Mother -Part Three
July 28th 2007 21:14
[Three times a day I had to clean the burns. Three times a day I had to scrub each burn on my face from right eye to my chin, from my upper neck to my breast and from my left thigh down to my knee with a soapy towel until they bled. Until they were red and raw just to make sure that no infection would form.
So morning, noon and night I would take 900 mg. of Advil (the doctor suggested I try this to relieve some of the pain) and then go into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror and scrub and scrub and scrub. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt, with the exception of childbirth that is, and they had much better drugs to alleviate that. The burns on my neck being the most painful of all because according to the doctor the thin skin made it a much more sensitive area to rub. Alex would attach herself to my leg she didn’t want me to do it. I mean I tried to be good so I wouldn’t scare her. I tried not to cry or moan but every now I failed and I knew she could hear me suffering through the door. So I sang to help her and keep my mind off of the pain. I sang songs like “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” and “Old MacDonald Had Farm”. I sang them over and over again until all my burns were raw and red and bleeding. And then I slathered on this thick white antibiotic cream. Five hours later I had to do it all over again.
And in between scrubbing I went to classes, paid the bills, went food shopping, did laundries, took care of two small kids, made all the meals, bathed them, diapered them, put them to bed, shopped for everyone’s clothes, etc., etc.,etc.. I felt grotesque. I knew I looked like a monster everyone always staring wherever I went but I knew I had to keep doing everything but I was supposed to, because I always did what I was supposed to.
And when my professor at school lowered one of my grades significantly because I couldn’t make out of school night function because I had to go home and scrub my burns (which she knew and not just because I had told her but because who couldn’t see the open sores all over my face and neck) I was upset because I had been very proud of my high grades but I never said anything to her because I figured what would it matter anyway.
Two months later I was still scrubbing and people were still staring and the doctor began to talk about skin grafting…
So morning, noon and night I would take 900 mg. of Advil (the doctor suggested I try this to relieve some of the pain) and then go into the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror and scrub and scrub and scrub. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt, with the exception of childbirth that is, and they had much better drugs to alleviate that. The burns on my neck being the most painful of all because according to the doctor the thin skin made it a much more sensitive area to rub. Alex would attach herself to my leg she didn’t want me to do it. I mean I tried to be good so I wouldn’t scare her. I tried not to cry or moan but every now I failed and I knew she could hear me suffering through the door. So I sang to help her and keep my mind off of the pain. I sang songs like “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” and “Old MacDonald Had Farm”. I sang them over and over again until all my burns were raw and red and bleeding. And then I slathered on this thick white antibiotic cream. Five hours later I had to do it all over again.
And in between scrubbing I went to classes, paid the bills, went food shopping, did laundries, took care of two small kids, made all the meals, bathed them, diapered them, put them to bed, shopped for everyone’s clothes, etc., etc.,etc.. I felt grotesque. I knew I looked like a monster everyone always staring wherever I went but I knew I had to keep doing everything but I was supposed to, because I always did what I was supposed to.
And when my professor at school lowered one of my grades significantly because I couldn’t make out of school night function because I had to go home and scrub my burns (which she knew and not just because I had told her but because who couldn’t see the open sores all over my face and neck) I was upset because I had been very proud of my high grades but I never said anything to her because I figured what would it matter anyway.
Two months later I was still scrubbing and people were still staring and the doctor began to talk about skin grafting…
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