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The Female View - October 2006

To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 31st 2006 15:45
Ah, total silence. The only sound the tic toc of the wind mechanism on the swing. Tic toc, tic toc every time I put Josh in the swing he slept. Tic toc, tic toc, for a full fifteen minutes he slept peacefully. At last we could both rest.
But as soon as the swing stopped. As soon it wound itself down Josh’s eyes flew open and seconds later he was fussing and then crying. This time however I had the remedy to his tears. Where everything else I had tried failed, now all I had to do was wind up the swing and all was right in the world. And more importantly in my head.

Josh swung while I took a shower and even though I still thought I heard him scream (every time that is), when I checked he was sound asleep. . Josh swung while I did a wash, while I sterilized his bottles, while I cleaned the house. And for the first time in six weeks (he was eight weeks old) my husband and I could eat a dinner in peace instead of taking turns rocking, feeding and soothing him.


That swing was truly a miracle. And though some days I worried that he would become so accustomed to it that it would stop working there was no way I would give it, up even for a short time. I was addicted to the swing. To the peace it finally gave me.

True, Josh was still up half the night feeding in small, although growing, amounts but my husband and I were up to four hours of sleep a piece. I could live with that. I was learning to function on limited sleep. But it had been the days filled with Josh’s screams that had nearly put me over the edge.

I know it sounds ridiculous but that swing truly changed my life. Finally, I could see what other new mothers did. Yup, my son was the cutest most adorable baby in the whole wide world. And as for motherhood? It was getting better with ever swing.



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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 30th 2006 15:07
There it was. A big box containing a gazillion pieces. Sure there was a picture of a swing on the front of the carton, but when I opened the box and emptied all the contents it looked more like an aisle at Home Depot.

I checked my watch. It was only 5 P.M. It would be at least 2 ½ hours until my husband got home from work. Not that he was any more handy than me but he was the man of the household and building and fixing was supposed to be their thing. Right? My job was to make lemonade and bake tollhouse cookies to keep his manhood going. Right?

But Josh was crying and I felt like crying too. That was it. I couldn’t wait another second. What if, as my mother said, this swing was the answer to my prayers? And what if I didn’t find out until I was on my fourth child (yeah right, like that would ever happen after this one) because I was married to the biggest procrastinator on the planet?

So I opened the directions and tried to make sense of what I was reading. Part A goes into hole A. But where was hole A and why didn’t anything in front of me look like it did in the picture? And where was part D? And how come part V wouldn’t fit into hole V? But if I stretched part F… at one point I tossed the directions aside and used the picture on the box as my roadmap.

Two hours later a swing was born. And in a bold, and so out of character for this constant worrier, move despite the, not so small, pile of nuts and bolts and various other significant looking parts that lay on the floor unused, I took my crying son out of his infant seat and buckled him into the swing. Here goes nothing. I wound the crank mechanism on the side (yup it was a wind-up toy) and waited for the whole thing to fall apart (metaphor for the story of my life?).

But that never happened. Despite all the “extra” pieces, the swing remained intact and more importantly a few minutes into the ride I got my miracle. Josh stopped crying.

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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 27th 2006 15:19
So many hours so all alone. My husband left for work at 7 A.M. and didn’t come home until 8:30 P.M. I was the first of my friends to have a baby. My parents and in-laws worked. One of my sisters worked full-time the other part-time. I tried walking around my neighborhood pushing Josh in a stroller but it was deserted. Suddenly I felt like I had been caste out to sea and ended up on some remote island.

It was just me and Josh. It was just me feeding Josh. He still ate all the time. Forget about an eating schedule the doctor said. His poorly developed suck reflex allowed him to take in only small amounts at a time so he had to eat more often to get what he needed. But he was thriving according to the doc. Growing in leaps and bounds so what was a mother to do.

If only he would sleep more. We were still only getting a few, maybe four hours of sleep a night. And that crying. Like nails on a blackboard. I swear if he wasn’t mine I would have left him behind weeks ago. Crying all the time. Why couldn’t he just shut up? But he couldn’t. He was only a baby. I knew that.

There had to be something that would help. And then one day my mother told me something that I swear must have been sent by an angel. She told me that she’d read, heard, been told, whatever the source who cares, bottom line she said she bought a baby swing for Josh and she’d be bringing it over in half an hour.


She arrived 30 minutes on the dot with a large box and told me it needed assembly. Then she and my father left me and my crying son and I opened the box to find ten million teeny tiny pieces and a set of instructions that may have been written in English but it looked more like Japanese to this technologically challenged.


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 26th 2006 15:26
There was to be no moving bassinet in my house. No miracle to put a halt to my son’s constant crying. I had to accept this. I had to accept that I’d done everything possible to achieve the goal. To get one. But I couldn’t. Therefore it was not meant to be. Can’t change fate. Right? Have to accept what is. Sure it seemed like the bassinet may have been an answer to my prayers but what more could I have done? Oh well.

Oh well? Was that all I was supposed to do? Sigh and get over it? I’d had the pregnancy from hell and now I had a son who seemed to be spawned from the same place. Son of a Jackal. I’d been so relieved when I’d checked his scalp and did not find 666 carved in it. Oh well? When what I really felt was, why me? But I love my son. I love my son. I love my son


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To Be or Not To Be a Mother -Part Two

October 25th 2006 15:39
Last night the 20/20 producer and crew slept over my house. And Josh slept for four hours straight. A new record. Maybe they should sleep over every night. Every night that is until he’s eighteen, at which time he goes off to college, I change the door locks and I finally get some well-earned sleep.

When Josh woke up so did the 20/20 team. With cameras rolling they followed me and my husband as we feed, rocked and diapered him before laying him back in his crib and trying to get back to sleep. The whole thing was uncomfortable and at least from my perspective, embarrassing. But my husband was in fifteen minutes of fame heaven


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 24th 2006 14:53
Josh just had his six week birthday and 20/20 was setting up shop in my house. Abby and her crew were touring the house and taping up camera equipment. In the living room. In the kitchen. In the dining room. In my bedroom. In Josh’s bedroom.

My husband was still at work. Then again he was always at work. He was excited. Me, on the other hand, I was uncomfortable. All these people trapsing through my house. All these strangers touching and moving my stuff


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 20th 2006 16:23
Last night Abby, a producer for the colicky baby segment of 20/20, came to the house to interview me, my husband and Josh. According to her we were a lock. Hands down she’d never heard any baby scream as loud or as long as our son. How proud was I?

Apparently, Abby and a small entourage had stood outside my house and listened. That’s right they’d just stood there listening to Josh wail. And according to them he was the loudest and most persistent wailer of the bunch. And she’d assured us that there’d been quite a few entries. But he’d out-cried them all


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 19th 2006 18:02
I was at the pediatrician again today. Josh had to be weighed and measured. Everything was great. Just great according to the doc. I should have been happier but what I really wanted to hear was that he’d found something. Something teeny tiny that could easily be fixed without cutting or sewing. Something small enough to be no big deal. But big enough to solve the mystery of all those tears. Give me something. But there was nothing to give. He just had no real reason why my son was so fussy.
At least there was no physical reason. And even though I’m sure in thirty years, when Josh is lying on a couch talking to his shrink and blaming his mother for everything from his bunions to his fear of intimacy, right now I think it’s too early for my mistakes to have emotionally taken its toll.

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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 19th 2006 18:02
I was at the pediatrician again today. Josh had to be weighed and measured. Everything was great. Just great according to the doc. I should have been happier but what I really wanted to hear was that he’d found something. Something teeny tiny that could easily be fixed without cutting or sewing. Something small enough to be no big deal. But big enough to solve the mystery of all those tears. Give me something. But there was nothing to give. He just had no real reason why my son was so fussy.
At least there was no physical reason. And even though I’m sure in thirty years, when Josh is lying on a couch talking to his shrink and blaming his mother for everything from his bunions to his fear of intimacy, right now I think it’s too early for my mistakes to have emotionally taken its toll.

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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 18th 2006 15:08
This past Saturday night my in-laws took Josh. They kept him overnight and according to my mother-in-law he never cried. She said that Josh never cried for her. And he slept through the night. It had been weeks of constant crying and nonstop eating, including all night long and he’d slept for HER? And he’d never cried for HER? Could it be? Was it possible?

If anyone reinforced that I was a bad mother and doing it wrong it was my mother-in- law, on the other hand Josh’s pediatrician told me I was doing great and so was Josh. According to him, Josh was as healthy as a horse and growing in leaps and bounds


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 17th 2006 15:20
I couldn’t take it anymore. It was like something inside me snapped. I was so tired. So, so tired. I was so frustrated. But more than that I was angry. I was so angry. I knew that I had to be away from Josh. I was afraid of what I was feeling. So much anger. Stop crying! Stop! Stop! I had no one to share it with. It was just me and Josh.

I loved him. I knew I loved him but I wasn’t feeling love at that moment. I wasn’t actually feeling anything except rage. I didn’t want to hurt him. I was his mommy. And mommies didn’t hurt their babies but I couldn’t think straight. Because of the lack of sleep I didn’t remember when I last could think straight. All that kept going through my head was that I couldn’t stand another moment of his crying


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 16th 2006 14:44
It wasn’t a good day today. This morning I cried to my husband before he left for work. He was exhausted too. We took turns feeding Josh all night and then he left for a fourteen hour day.

Not that I rested during the day either. I never had a moment to sit. Or read. Or watch T.V. I never even had a moment to think. I used to daydream all the time. But the only thoughts I had time for these days was how could I stop Josh’s crying? And even if I found a second to daydream or think about something else I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus my thoughts or concentrate. Or they were muddled. Or in the middle of thinking something I completely forget what it was I was thinking about. Or worse still there are no thoughts that came to mind at all


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 13th 2006 14:33
We’re going to the food store, just me and Josh. Nothing special. A local supermarket that I liked to shop in but this was going to be the first time I took my son with me. So I dressed him in an adorable baby blue and white velour one piece stretchie and then in an even cuter snowsuit (it was November and having limited knowledge of a baby’s thermostat I allowed my worries of him freezing and having to be hospitalized, guide me). We got to the store without a hitch. My husband and I had recently discovered the miracle of driving a colicky baby. He slept. I mean he slept and the crying stopped. Of course once the car stopped, the colic re-started. It was like an inverse proportion. The more driving, the less crying and vice versa.

O.K. so we got to the store and I laid him (in a special snuggly designed for shopping carts) in the front of the cart and then we entered the store. He was still sleeping - Praise the Lord – and I started my shopping. Already I could feel my shoulders relax. Why hadn’t I done this sooner? By the time my cart was halfway filled I was feeling pretty damn good


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 12th 2006 16:30
Today I decided I was going to do something. And by something I meant something more than getting out of bed, feeding me and Josh and getting us dressing. I needed, really needed to get something accomplished even though Josh was still crying all day long. And yes I brought him back to the doctor again and again to see if maybe he had missed something. But no, according to the doctor there was nothing wrong with Josh and in time he’d grow out of it. And yes I knew and trusted this doctor who had cared for me and my two sisters for umpteen million years having diagnosed many problems and illnesses that other doctors had missed.
“By three months,” the doctor promised, “by three months the crying would end.” I was too tired to ask for his psychic credentials, all I could think of was…at least two more months of this? How would I survive?

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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 11th 2006 14:44
I tried what the pediatrician suggested. I made the hole in the nipple bigger so he got more formula. And after he ate I burped him. And then I rocked him And if he cried I gently pressed a pinky into his abdomen. Nothing worked. Still he ate all day. And still he was up all night. And still he cried. And he cried and he cried.

I felt like a failure as a mother. I was helpless to help my baby. Three hours of sleep broken up into one hour shifts. I was getting more and more tired. And I was getting more and more frustrated and on edge. And tearful


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 10th 2006 17:32
I’m so tired. I think I got two hours of sleep in total for the last three days. Josh is less than two weeks old and he’s been crying. Not as in crying for a bottle every few hours and then falling asleep, as in crying, crying, crying. Continual crying. Nonstop crying. I’m not even sure if he’s getting any sleep.

It’s like this. I feed him a bottle - or my husband does, it’s definitely been “even steven” in the lack of sleep department – and it takes Josh about a half an hour to suck down maybe an ounce or two. Then I burp him and hold him for a bit until he digests and then he’s off to sleep. But in an hour he’s up again and crying


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 8th 2006 19:32
My husband and I were really enjoying parenthood. For him it was like he joined a club. The Father Hood. Off to work he’d go to bond with the other dads. He never did say exactly what they spoke about but I’m pretty sure, knowing my husband the conversations probably went something like this, “yup I’m a dad (shoves his thumbs through his belt-hooks and puffs out his chest), kid looks just like me (hadn’t his mom said so) and yeah how ‘bout those Yankees.”

On the other hand, for me motherhood made me feel like it was like I was six years old again and back in that dress-up dollhouse corner of Kindergarten. I fed Josh, burped him, diapered him, cuddled him, dressed him in teeny tiny blue and white one piece outfits with conveniently located snaps at the crotch and cuddled him. It was just like it used to be except for being tired (night feedings), worrying about the baby (I inherited the worry gene from my mother and giving birth apparently activated it and set it on continuous), oh yeah and the enormous, sore breasts (one more size bigger and they’d have grown to where no breasts had grown before) and the hanging flesh on my stomach, thighs and ass


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 6th 2006 15:42
He was co cute. So tiny. So cuddly. So easy to love. And even though I was tired and not yet fully recovered from my pregnancy ordeal I was having a good time being Josh’s mom. My husband and I took endless videos of him. Not that he did much. He hardly even moved. But every time he was around my husband filmed another bath scene. Looking back he had to have been the cleanest kid ever.

You know it’s amazing how you talk about your children when they’re that young. It’s as if nothing is off limits. On the more predictable side we discussed who he looked like. Hands down he resembled my husband. I mean anyone who could read the top line of the eye chart could see that. But still it made me cringe like nails on a blackboard every time my mother-in-law announced (over and over and over…) how he was the spitting image of his father at that age (I saw the photo and she should have had her eyes checked) how he had grandpa’s nose and Aunt Eileen’s eyes and, and, and… Boy if looks could kill then she was definitely out to slay me when I had the nerve to suggest that he had my mouth


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 6th 2006 15:42
He was co cute. So tiny. So cuddly. So easy to love. And even though I was tired and not yet fully recovered from my pregnancy ordeal I was having a good time being Josh’s mom. My husband and I took endless videos of him. Not that he did much. He hardly even moved. But every time he was around my husband filmed another bath scene. Looking back he had to have been the cleanest kid ever.

You know it’s amazing how you talk about your children when they’re that young. It’s as if nothing is off limits. On the more predictable side we discussed who he looked like. Hands down he resembled my husband. I mean anyone who could read the top line of the eye chart could see that. But still it made me cringe like nails on a blackboard every time my mother-in-law announced (over and over and over…) how he was the spitting image of his father at that age (I saw the photo and she should have had her eyes checked) how he had grandpa’s nose and Aunt Eileen’s eyes and, and, and… Boy if looks could kill then she was definitely out to slay me when I had the nerve to suggest that he had my mouth


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part Two

October 5th 2006 16:28
It was then that I noticed them. How had she gotten in? Damn…the emergency key! My husband set the baby carrier and son on the floor and followed me to get a closer look. “What’s this?” I asked.

“See, my mother brought you gifts,” my husband informed me trying to sound cheery


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To Be or Not To Be a Mother - Part Two

October 4th 2006 17:16
Praise the lord, the drooling dried up. Just in time for discharge day. The sun was shinning, the birds were chirping and I was dressing the baby in some fancy blue (gotta make sure the heir to the throne got the right testosterone -filled message from the getgo) duds that my mom had picked out. Carefully, I pushed his itty bitty arms into the teeny tiny sweater my mom had knitted for his debut in the world. Shortly, after my husband arrived and off we went back to home sweet home.

I walked into the house and it felt so good to be back in my own space. It had only been two days but it felt like I had been gone for forever. I was back. Back to the old me. No more lying in bed all day. And most of all NO MORE DROOLING. I took a deep breath and that’s when I noticed it. The smell was gone. I can’t honestly describe it but the words floral and lovely definitely don’t come to mind. And after a while I forgot that anything had ever smelled any different. But now it was gone. Just like that. One second everything smelled like rancid butter and the next it didn’t


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part One

October 2nd 2006 20:25
That night after the mommies and daddies had private bonding time with their new little bundles of joy. After me and my husband took pictures of each other cuddling Josh, after all the visitors had left, I called my husband at home and I cried. I cried softly so no one else in the room would know what a terrible person I was when I should have been happy… like them. I knew I was a bad person for feeling sad when I should have felt happy. I knew it, but I couldn’t make it go away.

I talked to my husband for a while but I never did tell him how I really felt. After all he wouldn’t have understood. I knew that too. I knew it because like me he had always been lead to believe that having babies was a happy time. A happy time for everyone. So I just told him how hurt I was that he hadn’t gotten me any flowers. How much it embarrassed me in front of all those other new mothers whose families and friends had given them lots. Why not me


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To Be or Not to Be a Mother -Part One

October 1st 2006 19:23
Flowers, flowers everywhere but by my bed not a one to spare. It was a banner night for births, fifteen in all. Something about a full moon and lots of water breaking. My semi-private room for two became an over-sized suite for four with one more for good measure. I found this fifth wheel when I tripped over her bed as, half asleep, I navigated to the bathroom the morning after.

I didn’t mind all the company though. It was a bonding experience. We chatted as if we’d known each other for years even though we all knew we’d probably never see or talk to one another again. Most importantly, it made me forget how sad I was


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